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Sino Tenzai
Topic Started: Jun 26 2009, 02:35:43 PM (262 Views)
Spirit_Wolf
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Althea's #1 Canine Freak
Member Name: Spirit_Wolf

¤ General Info ¤

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¤ Appearance Info ¤
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¤ Other Info ¤
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¤ Biography ¤
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Edited by Spirit_Wolf, Jun 27 2009, 06:10:51 PM.
Rixon "Ghost" Claude
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Pig_catapult
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Delicious cake!
The thing about Japanese names is that they always mean something. Not that your guy's name is properly Japanese, since "si" isn't a syllable in that language, but "Kenshi" at least looks Wapanese, if not, in fact, Japanese.
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Spirit_Wolf
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Aight. Changed it to Tenzai with the meaning of the name and some family folklore.
Rixon "Ghost" Claude
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Don't waste my time.
General Info: Holy run-on sentences, Batman. I can't tell what the name is supposed to mean when there are like five meanings all jumbled together. At least use some commas or something to make it readable, man.

Appearance: "To" does not mean the same thing as "too." Randomly capitalizing the word dark mid-sentence does not the rules of English follow, and jacket is not a proper noun so it really doesn't need to get capitalized unless it's the first word in a sentence either. "The" is not equivalent to "then," the words "impressive" and "massive" do not go together like that - try "impressively large" or "truly massive" if you want to keep up with the hyperbole. I lolled at the 4pack, though.

Other Info: He's calm. We get it. You don't need to say essentially the same thing three sentences in a row, and it doesn't help that you worded them pretty awkwardly anyways. The first sentence in Talents needs a comma or two, preferably a rewrite. Flaws is a bit confusing; after saying he "always" stays calm while making decisions, you turn around and say that he has a tendency to rush into things. Is he "always calm", or hotheaded? Decide on one or the other, or change it to something like "usually calm, but has a tendency to occasionally blablabla."

...Also, your issue with randomly capitalizing non-proper nouns persists. You use two separate standards for likes and dislikes; likes are all capitalized, whereas dislikes alternates between capitalized and not capitalized. You can go with either on a list like that, but at pick one and stick to it.

Bio: Contentwise it's fine, structurally it needs a bit of work. The usual complaint about run-on sentences applies, but you actually did fine on random capitalization there; nice job on that.

RP Sample: Blabla random capitalization, try using commas, etc etc. Also, "layed" does NOT WORK LIKE THAT. "Layed" is an action verb, but you describe it as a passive action, as if he were already lying down; try replacing it with "was lying down" or something along those lines.

Pokemon: You get to keep all his old moves free, so you can add the 4XP you put into Ember into stats or a new move or something.

tl;dr needs a lot of work; the content is (mostly) fine, but the writing is not. You may wish to try to get someone to proofread it for you.
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Spirit_Wolf
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Ok there changed a few things around, reread everything, and fixed what needed to be fixed.

I really should reread things after i write them -_-

If there's any more errors just let me know and I'll fix the asap
Rixon "Ghost" Claude
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Don't waste my time.
This is kinda hard to do, 'cause I like you, but we're trying to focus on keeping up a fairly high standard on Althea now, to ensure that everyone's competent. Not godlike, not 'advanced' or 'elite' or 'pomous asshole,' but... competent. At least somewhat skilled with using the English language to make stories with, with an understanding of when to use - or not use - a comma or semicolon, that kind of thing. Typos are fine - we all make them, and especially for those of us that don't proofread, bound to happen occasionally. A constant issue with capitalization or a lack thereof, lack or mis-usage of commas, etc. is not. Even after the fixes, yours doesn't qualify; I hate to have to do this, but I'm going to have to deny this reg and ask you not to reapply until you have significantly improved, preferably after some time has passed.

Nothing personal, man. I like you and you're welcome to stick around OOC if you want, but I can't in all good faith accept you while denying other people at the same level.
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Pig_catapult
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If you want or need any help or have any questions about the uses of semicolons, commas, capitalisation, etc., please feel free to contact me and ask. I'll try to point you to a good resource to help you out.

The book Eats, Shoots and Leaves is a particularly good reference for punctuation usage, even if the author does have a tendency to rant at great length.

Also, if it helps any, your tendency to capitalise the first letter of every noun would be 100% correct in German. It would also be correct in 18th-century English. But English is a weird and finicky language and so people don't do it anymore. (I used to capitalise nouns I thought were important, too, but, unless it's being used as the proper name or title for something specific, it's probably not a good idea. If it's an abstract concept, it's usually better to err on the side of non-capitalisation)
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